what do you do with a b.a in english?

Asperger Syndrome compromises one’s ability to read nonverbal social cues. A simple example of this deficit is answering the question, “How are you?” It is loaded with so many nonverbal issues that I simply freeze. Even if you tell me, “Just say fine,” sometimes the situation looks special to me, and I can’t figure out why it’s special, so I can’t talk.

does anyone else do this? like, literally, this situation, when someone asks "how are you?" and you want to answer, but you feel impossibly uncomfortable just blurting out "fine! good! awesome!" because there are so many little factors in your life that have to be weighed and balanced that will ultimately affect that answer and, having weighed them out, will give you an answer that is maybe less than fine, or good, or awesome. and to just throw out some trite little social plum would be tantamount to lying, and lying is shit, too.

and of course you know that 90% of the time, the person asking "how are you?" is doing it just to be polite, or as an ice breaker, and to give a real, honest answer about yourself is far fucking more than they really care about. so really, why ask in the first place? why not, "hi, how's your last five minutes been?" or, the more common and easier to answer "hi, what's new?" defining what's new in your life is a lot easier than piecing together your mental state at any given time.

so how am i? i'm leaving a message with my therapist to see what can be done about being tested for asperger's, because as much as i dislike self-diagnosis, the frightening feeling of familiarity i felt while reading this essay, coupled with having a severely autistic brother and a fully-functioning autistic sister, has made me wonder if, maybe, i'm not really as stupid as i think i am.

and how are you?